Monday, September 28, 2009

I'll have the bug-infested breakfast please.

Bummer. You know when you are craving a certain food & go out of your way to obtain the said food? I do. Case in point: I went to the local market around the corner from my office to grab a few items I was craving. Today’s craving was The Laughing Cow: Light French Onion Spreadable Cheese. Being that I cannot eat cheese alone (well sure I can but spreadable cheese would prove to be a difficult task) – I set out to find a decent cracker to house said spreadable cheese.

I settled on ak-mak 100% whole wheat stone ground sesame crackers. I should preface that the market by my office is a small, locally owned market specializing in hard to find International foods. Never having tried these crackers before it was almost an adventure for my taste buds….just waiting to happen. I pick up a few other things at the market, and proceed back to my office where I will concoct a most delicious treat.

What I do next and my thoughts running through my mind may be considered by some a bit looney. Hey. Before you pass judgement, realize the severity of hunger pangs that surge through my body. I open up the box of ak-mak crackers, pull one out & see something on the cracker that resembles a bug. A dead bug, but a bug nonetheless. The crackers are covered in sesame seeds so at first I can’t be certain if it is indeed a bug or just a figment of my imagination. I pick up the bug, carefully bring it to eye level & determine that yes, this is indeed a dead bug on my cracker. I toss the bug into the garbage can and begin inspecting my cracker for more signs of bugs. See, this is where my mental state should be looked at. I didn’t automatically throw the bug-ridden cracker away. I was contemplating EATING the cracker that said bug had been hanging out on for who knows how long. I put the cracker back into the box & grab another cracker. This one has no bugs & I am highly tempted to open up one of my spreadable cheese wedges & get my grub on but then something catches my eye. Another bug. A whole clan of bugs actually. All dead. Some still in their cocoon like home. I have shivers just writing this. My ak-mak crackers were infested by some moths or what have you. Further examining my box of crackers I see that they are everywhere. Even on the exterior of the box I see remnants of bug carcasses. Why did I not see this before?

Now I am cracker-less and have yummy cheese staring up at me. I of course will go back to the market & let them know of the infested crackers. Question is though: do I get another box of crackers as a substitute? I can assume I just got a bad batch, but perhaps not. Oh the dilemma. I seriously have the heeby-geebies to think I actually considered eating the cracker after I picked off the dead bug. Gross-out to the max.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A legal request, if you will.

Dear Mr. Fly,

I would like to state for the record that I in no way want to rid your kind of its existence….I merely would like to come to an agreement. A contract if you will. Let me explain why I would like such a binding agreement to occur.

After a few long, drawn-out hours at work I was able to sneak outside for a little bite to eat & what better a place to be than at the little Patisserie across the street from my office. Plenty of outdoor seating, umbrellas to keep my skin cancer-free & the occasional Celebrity sighting; I was determined to have a relaxing meal on my one-hour break. I ordered my Iced Caramel Latte (a rarity for me as I get too hopped up on caffeine) and a Turkey Avocado – Pain de mie & took my seat outside to watch the stressed out drivers speed up & down the Boulevard. My food arrived shortly thereafter & the sight of it was divine. I was salivating just looking at my tasty meal but before I could delve into my food you & your friend came along and trotted around my food almost as if you were ‘marking your territory’.

I understand that you too might be extremely hungry & have been waiting around for a similar lady like myself to sit down with her $15.00 meal – just so you can have yourself a taste or two. But, PLEASE – don’t flutter around on my food and contaminate it with whatever you pick up on your flights!! I shooed you away. I flitted you with my hand. I was about to whack you with my book but thought twice about that option as I was extremely hungry & didn’t want to risk damaging my food, nor did I want to cause any harm to you or your friend.

You didn’t get the hint, as you just kept coming back for more. Maybe you are one of those masochistic flies that enjoy pain & humiliation or perhaps you are one that loves a challenge. Either way… is ridiculously annoying to me to try & eat my food and every 5 seconds have to stop to shoo you away. No wonder they made a song about you. Shoo fly, don’t bother me! I even went to great lengths as to SET ASIDE some of my very own food FOR YOU. We can eat together, not a problem. You have your food on your end of the table, I’ll have mine on my end. Capeesh??

Even after my attempt at sharing, you were greedy & wanted MY food. Why Mr. Fly must you mock me & not accept my most gracious offer? Just take a gander at your cousins, the dragonflies, fireflies or butterflies. They do not insist on eating human food, why do you? They are perfectly capable of sustaining themselves on pollen & the like.

I like you, really I do. You have long been a part of literature & mythology; you even help our forensic scientists in determining the time of death! That’s amazing. And when Bee’s began to take all of the credit for pollinating our flowers, etc…you just went right ahead and began to pollinate Japanese sunflowers in greenhouses. I salute you for your valiant efforts but I now bring you back to my original request.

Do not eat my food. Do not fly around me while I am trying to eat my food. A basic request really. So please consult your legal team & get back to me ASAP as I would like to have a contractual agreement under way rather soon.

A bugged individual in L.A.