Dear Mr. Fly,
I would like to state for the record that I in no way want to rid your kind of its existence….I merely would like to come to an agreement. A contract if you will. Let me explain why I would like such a binding agreement to occur.
After a few long, drawn-out hours at work I was able to sneak outside for a little bite to eat & what better a place to be than at the little Patisserie across the street from my office. Plenty of outdoor seating, umbrellas to keep my skin cancer-free & the occasional Celebrity sighting; I was determined to have a relaxing meal on my one-hour break. I ordered my Iced Caramel Latte (a rarity for me as I get too hopped up on caffeine) and a Turkey Avocado – Pain de mie & took my seat outside to watch the stressed out drivers speed up & down the Boulevard. My food arrived shortly thereafter & the sight of it was divine. I was salivating just looking at my tasty meal but before I could delve into my food you & your friend came along and trotted around my food almost as if you were ‘marking your territory’.
I understand that you too might be extremely hungry & have been waiting around for a similar lady like myself to sit down with her $15.00 meal – just so you can have yourself a taste or two. But, PLEASE – don’t flutter around on my food and contaminate it with whatever you pick up on your flights!! I shooed you away. I flitted you with my hand. I was about to whack you with my book but thought twice about that option as I was extremely hungry & didn’t want to risk damaging my food, nor did I want to cause any harm to you or your friend.
You didn’t get the hint, as you just kept coming back for more. Maybe you are one of those masochistic flies that enjoy pain & humiliation or perhaps you are one that loves a challenge. Either way…..it is ridiculously annoying to me to try & eat my food and every 5 seconds have to stop to shoo you away. No wonder they made a song about you. Shoo fly, don’t bother me! I even went to great lengths as to SET ASIDE some of my very own food FOR YOU. We can eat together, not a problem. You have your food on your end of the table, I’ll have mine on my end. Capeesh??
Even after my attempt at sharing, you were greedy & wanted MY food. Why Mr. Fly must you mock me & not accept my most gracious offer? Just take a gander at your cousins, the dragonflies, fireflies or butterflies. They do not insist on eating human food, why do you? They are perfectly capable of sustaining themselves on pollen & the like.
I like you, really I do. You have long been a part of literature & mythology; you even help our forensic scientists in determining the time of death! That’s amazing. And when Bee’s began to take all of the credit for pollinating our flowers, etc…you just went right ahead and began to pollinate Japanese sunflowers in greenhouses. I salute you for your valiant efforts but I now bring you back to my original request.
Do not eat my food. Do not fly around me while I am trying to eat my food. A basic request really. So please consult your legal team & get back to me ASAP as I would like to have a contractual agreement under way rather soon.
A bugged individual in L.A.