Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Thursday rant.

Oh won’t you please come along with me for a ride on a Thursday rant? I assure you my rant does not include any of my usual idiosyncrasies although today’s topic is steadily creeping towards making the list. I begin with warning you I will discuss bathrooms in this rant although nothing relating to bodily fluids will exist. Well, adjust that last comment as I will in fact mention the act of…you know where I’m going with that statement.

In order to make this rant really hit home, I’m going to write it as the thoughts were going through my mind. Step by step. That way you’ll really get a grasp on my frustrations.

Hearing the clink of the bathroom key hit the bowl by the receptionists desk I hurriedly pop up from my chair and race to the front office in order to snag the key before someone else takes the key and decides to go on a 15 minute jaunt to who knows where with the key thus making me wait EVEN longer to use the loo.

I walk down the hallway & turn the key to the bathroom door. I cross my fingers that there isn’t anyone else in the bathroom as it is a 2 stall-er. (Editors note: I do not like to go to the bathroom when there is someone else in the stall next to me, UNLESS I am in a loud place like a theme park restroom or something similar).

I hear a toilet flush as I’m entering the bathroom. Shoot! But wait, look at the bright side of things, they just flushed; therefore they must be finished using the bathroom & will be leaving me to pee in private. A moment of joy overcomes me when I enter the stall (the smaller of the two which I hate even more than silent bathrooms – why not, if given the chance to use a larger stall, not capitalize on it and take it? If there is a handicapped – I mean – disabled person coming to use the bathroom I can guarantee a wait of 45 seconds is hardly traumatic for them) Right, back to the rant. So I’m elated for about 3 seconds when I suddenly realize the person just did a fake flush. They weren’t intending on leaving their cozy stall just yet. They wanted to be the quiet one next door making it all the more awkward.

Taking one of the toilet covers (aka razor thin piece of paper guaranteed to do nothing other than accumulate with the rest of the toilet paper, etc that gets flushed into our septic system) I gently place it over the toilet seat careful not to let it fall in. I plop down onto the seat, and wait. And wait. And wait. Nothing. Not a drop is coming out. I have to go pee that’s for sure.

As I mentioned earlier – I have a phobia. Don’t know why. It’s at this moment I wish Stall #2 would do another fake flush for me so I can mask my peeing sound with that of the 3.5 seconds of water swirling around the bowl. But does Stall #2 do that? No – they sit there with their checkered Keds tapping their feet being freakishly quiet. So now I’m thinking that they’re thinking “why the F won’t stall #1 just hurry up and go pee so I can finish my bidness!”

Realization of the day: I may not be the only one with a phobia but at this time I’m not giving a shit about Stall #2 (no pun intended). I have to pee. A few more seconds of award silence where I attempt to blow my nose (no snot, doesn’t work); fiddle with the toilet paper roll to make a bit of noise, STILL NOTHING. And then a trickle, barely enough to alleviate my full bladder. I’m not upset with myself or with my phobia – I’m upset with the person still being so F-ing quiet in the stall next to me. So now I start feeling uncomfortable and awkward.

How is that possible? I now feel like the intruder in the situation. But why the fake flush in the beginning? That just opened the flood gates of assumption that they were finished with their bathroom time. Realizing that I’m still sitting on the toilet having eeked out only a trickle of my morning coffee contemplating why the person in the stall next to me is also still on the toilet I decide to raise the white flag which in this case was a square of Quilted Northern and let myself bask in defeat. I quickly wrap up my business in the stall, head to the sink & wash my hands, and sulk all the way back into my office. Clink goes the key into the bowl for the next person’s bathroom adventure.

All this talk about bathrooms I realize I have more pet peeves related to bathrooms than I thought. A woman who works for the company down the hall (same office suite, just a separate portion) just waits in her cubicle until she hears me grabbing the bathroom key to decide “oh, you know what? I think I need to go to the bathroom too! I’ll come with you.” NO. NO. NO. NO. I can’t really tell her that although my mind is screaming it. So more often that I’d like, she comes to the bathroom with me.

I’m not a “come on girls, who needs to go the bathroom, let’s go together” type of woman. Bathroom time is my time. So every time she insists on coming with me, I want to hit her upside the head and give her my inner monologue manual. Chapter one: Kristen’s preference for alone time in the bathroom. Chapter two: Kristen’s dislike of obligatory compliments. (Chapter 2 I included in this rant as the same person we are talking about insists on complimenting SOME part of my attire every time we “go to the bathroom together” – but will never compliment or say anything regarding my outfit while we are in the office together crossing paths).

There are times though when I can grab the bathroom key, walk down the hallway & find the bathroom empty. It is heaven. Heaven only about 10% of the time. The other 90% is ruined by someone entering the bathroom seconds after I get inside my big, spacious Stall #2. Can you guess who decided to interrupt my bathroom time? The SAME person who likes to jump on the bathroom train as soon as I grab the key! I kid you not. I think she hears me or sees me as her cubicle is right by the door and decides to give me the hope of having a bathroom to myself for 2 minutes and then WHAM – tricked ya!

When that happens I awkwardly try to use the bathroom quickly & we always end up washing our hands at the same time. If I hear her say “How funny, we must be on the same bathroom schedule” one more time, I’magonnafreakthefuckout.

Basically when it comes down to it, I need my alone time in the bathroom without phones ringing, printers printing and people talking. I need serenity for 1-3 minutes. Me time.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Ramblings of a car....Christine??

What are the chances that I didn’t once get stuck in traffic on the drive to Universal City at 2:30 in the afternoon. That is just unheard of. But when you couple it with the idea that yesterday I left work at 6:03pm and was home on my couch by 6:15pm it becomes uncharacteristic. Was there a natural disaster in Los Angeles while I was on vacation that caused thousands of drivers to disappear from the roads or are we finally understanding the importance of alternate forms of transportation? (Cue the rolling of the eyes as I was just talking about being in my car driving to & fro my destinations).

But really….what gives? Traffic has become a part of me. I feel at home when I am surrounded by it. My little cocoon, my safety net. When I am not surrounded my hundreds of cars I feel naked. Vulnerable. Is that weird? I don’t really know how to explain it. Being surrounded by so many other individuals, all coming from somewhere and going somewhere. Most of the time alone. What do they think about? Are they listening to music? Talk radio? Are they looking forward to walking in their front door. Will they be walking in the door to the arms of children, loved ones, roommates, pets? I am always so curious to know about the people that share this path with me.

For a few weeks every single morning I would see the same 5-10 drivers on my way to work. Some days I would see all 10 of them, and some days only 5. We all must live within a few mile radius of eachother & like clockwork leave our homes at the exact same time each and every morning so that within 2-3 blocks we would be driving our same route. It is at times unfathomable to me. Are we just creatures of habit? Waking up and beginning our daily routine. Starting the car….on autopilot we drive to our places of business. To enjoy them? Perhaps not. But perhaps those few people that I saw every morning were ecstatic to be going to work. I want to be like them. If they even exist.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I'll have the bug-infested breakfast please.

Bummer. You know when you are craving a certain food & go out of your way to obtain the said food? I do. Case in point: I went to the local market around the corner from my office to grab a few items I was craving. Today’s craving was The Laughing Cow: Light French Onion Spreadable Cheese. Being that I cannot eat cheese alone (well sure I can but spreadable cheese would prove to be a difficult task) – I set out to find a decent cracker to house said spreadable cheese.

I settled on ak-mak 100% whole wheat stone ground sesame crackers. I should preface that the market by my office is a small, locally owned market specializing in hard to find International foods. Never having tried these crackers before it was almost an adventure for my taste buds….just waiting to happen. I pick up a few other things at the market, and proceed back to my office where I will concoct a most delicious treat.

What I do next and my thoughts running through my mind may be considered by some a bit looney. Hey. Before you pass judgement, realize the severity of hunger pangs that surge through my body. I open up the box of ak-mak crackers, pull one out & see something on the cracker that resembles a bug. A dead bug, but a bug nonetheless. The crackers are covered in sesame seeds so at first I can’t be certain if it is indeed a bug or just a figment of my imagination. I pick up the bug, carefully bring it to eye level & determine that yes, this is indeed a dead bug on my cracker. I toss the bug into the garbage can and begin inspecting my cracker for more signs of bugs. See, this is where my mental state should be looked at. I didn’t automatically throw the bug-ridden cracker away. I was contemplating EATING the cracker that said bug had been hanging out on for who knows how long. I put the cracker back into the box & grab another cracker. This one has no bugs & I am highly tempted to open up one of my spreadable cheese wedges & get my grub on but then something catches my eye. Another bug. A whole clan of bugs actually. All dead. Some still in their cocoon like home. I have shivers just writing this. My ak-mak crackers were infested by some moths or what have you. Further examining my box of crackers I see that they are everywhere. Even on the exterior of the box I see remnants of bug carcasses. Why did I not see this before?

Now I am cracker-less and have yummy cheese staring up at me. I of course will go back to the market & let them know of the infested crackers. Question is though: do I get another box of crackers as a substitute? I can assume I just got a bad batch, but perhaps not. Oh the dilemma. I seriously have the heeby-geebies to think I actually considered eating the cracker after I picked off the dead bug. Gross-out to the max.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A legal request, if you will.

Dear Mr. Fly,

I would like to state for the record that I in no way want to rid your kind of its existence….I merely would like to come to an agreement. A contract if you will. Let me explain why I would like such a binding agreement to occur.

After a few long, drawn-out hours at work I was able to sneak outside for a little bite to eat & what better a place to be than at the little Patisserie across the street from my office. Plenty of outdoor seating, umbrellas to keep my skin cancer-free & the occasional Celebrity sighting; I was determined to have a relaxing meal on my one-hour break. I ordered my Iced Caramel Latte (a rarity for me as I get too hopped up on caffeine) and a Turkey Avocado – Pain de mie & took my seat outside to watch the stressed out drivers speed up & down the Boulevard. My food arrived shortly thereafter & the sight of it was divine. I was salivating just looking at my tasty meal but before I could delve into my food you & your friend came along and trotted around my food almost as if you were ‘marking your territory’.

I understand that you too might be extremely hungry & have been waiting around for a similar lady like myself to sit down with her $15.00 meal – just so you can have yourself a taste or two. But, PLEASE – don’t flutter around on my food and contaminate it with whatever you pick up on your flights!! I shooed you away. I flitted you with my hand. I was about to whack you with my book but thought twice about that option as I was extremely hungry & didn’t want to risk damaging my food, nor did I want to cause any harm to you or your friend.

You didn’t get the hint, as you just kept coming back for more. Maybe you are one of those masochistic flies that enjoy pain & humiliation or perhaps you are one that loves a challenge. Either way…..it is ridiculously annoying to me to try & eat my food and every 5 seconds have to stop to shoo you away. No wonder they made a song about you. Shoo fly, don’t bother me! I even went to great lengths as to SET ASIDE some of my very own food FOR YOU. We can eat together, not a problem. You have your food on your end of the table, I’ll have mine on my end. Capeesh??

Even after my attempt at sharing, you were greedy & wanted MY food. Why Mr. Fly must you mock me & not accept my most gracious offer? Just take a gander at your cousins, the dragonflies, fireflies or butterflies. They do not insist on eating human food, why do you? They are perfectly capable of sustaining themselves on pollen & the like.

I like you, really I do. You have long been a part of literature & mythology; you even help our forensic scientists in determining the time of death! That’s amazing. And when Bee’s began to take all of the credit for pollinating our flowers, etc…you just went right ahead and began to pollinate Japanese sunflowers in greenhouses. I salute you for your valiant efforts but I now bring you back to my original request.

Do not eat my food. Do not fly around me while I am trying to eat my food. A basic request really. So please consult your legal team & get back to me ASAP as I would like to have a contractual agreement under way rather soon.

A bugged individual in L.A.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Random A-Z.

A is for Admiration
B is for Bulgaria
C is for Christmas
D is for Dangerous
E is for Everything
F is for Finals
G is for Greatness
H is for Hallelujah
I is for Intense
J is for Jameson
K is for Kooky
L is for Lame
M is for More
N is for Neanderthals
O is for Openness
P is for Purity
Q is for Quirky
R is for Ridiculous
S is for Salt
T is for Trust
U is for Upper
V is for Victory
W is for Wonderful
X is for Xanthiums
Y is for Yellow
Z is for Zombies

Thursday, August 20, 2009

A truly blessed day!!

Today is my birthday. My 28th! I am never big on celebrations for myself but will party till the cows come home for others. Don’t get me wrong….I love being the center of attention. But it’s more so that I love being the center of attention around complete strangers. When I am with friends I love to nurture & take care of them and rarely feel comfortable when the roles are reversed. Not to say I don’t appreciate the TLC, I just prefer it the other way around.

Which brings me to today. I was hesitant to make any plans for my birthday because when it comes down to it, it’s just another day. More than likely I will be calling my mom & dad on my birthday to thank them for supporting and giving me love the past 27 years. But, the amount of love I have received today from friends & family almost brings tears to my eyes. From phone calls to text-messages, e-mails, Facebook messages, morning cupcakes, surprise flowers, chocolate strawberries SHAPED like flowers, an amazing lunch, dessert, cards, well wishes, etc….(and the day isn’t over!!) all of you have gone far & beyond what I even thought was possible.

I seriously cannot even begin to explain how many of you have touched my life. I may have known you for a day, a year, 5 years, 10 years, even 20+ years…you all have made an impact on my life and for that I am forever grateful!!

I will see some of you today and some of you I won’t see but once a year and both are wonderful! A second I can spend with a friend who loves and cares about me is a second no one can take away. I will always have that moment. So to everyone who has made the first day of my 28th year a truly blessed day, I love you & can’t wait for what lies ahead.

Always and forever.