Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Thursday rant.

Oh won’t you please come along with me for a ride on a Thursday rant? I assure you my rant does not include any of my usual idiosyncrasies although today’s topic is steadily creeping towards making the list. I begin with warning you I will discuss bathrooms in this rant although nothing relating to bodily fluids will exist. Well, adjust that last comment as I will in fact mention the act of…you know where I’m going with that statement.

In order to make this rant really hit home, I’m going to write it as the thoughts were going through my mind. Step by step. That way you’ll really get a grasp on my frustrations.

Hearing the clink of the bathroom key hit the bowl by the receptionists desk I hurriedly pop up from my chair and race to the front office in order to snag the key before someone else takes the key and decides to go on a 15 minute jaunt to who knows where with the key thus making me wait EVEN longer to use the loo.

I walk down the hallway & turn the key to the bathroom door. I cross my fingers that there isn’t anyone else in the bathroom as it is a 2 stall-er. (Editors note: I do not like to go to the bathroom when there is someone else in the stall next to me, UNLESS I am in a loud place like a theme park restroom or something similar).

I hear a toilet flush as I’m entering the bathroom. Shoot! But wait, look at the bright side of things, they just flushed; therefore they must be finished using the bathroom & will be leaving me to pee in private. A moment of joy overcomes me when I enter the stall (the smaller of the two which I hate even more than silent bathrooms – why not, if given the chance to use a larger stall, not capitalize on it and take it? If there is a handicapped – I mean – disabled person coming to use the bathroom I can guarantee a wait of 45 seconds is hardly traumatic for them) Right, back to the rant. So I’m elated for about 3 seconds when I suddenly realize the person just did a fake flush. They weren’t intending on leaving their cozy stall just yet. They wanted to be the quiet one next door making it all the more awkward.

Taking one of the toilet covers (aka razor thin piece of paper guaranteed to do nothing other than accumulate with the rest of the toilet paper, etc that gets flushed into our septic system) I gently place it over the toilet seat careful not to let it fall in. I plop down onto the seat, and wait. And wait. And wait. Nothing. Not a drop is coming out. I have to go pee that’s for sure.

As I mentioned earlier – I have a phobia. Don’t know why. It’s at this moment I wish Stall #2 would do another fake flush for me so I can mask my peeing sound with that of the 3.5 seconds of water swirling around the bowl. But does Stall #2 do that? No – they sit there with their checkered Keds tapping their feet being freakishly quiet. So now I’m thinking that they’re thinking “why the F won’t stall #1 just hurry up and go pee so I can finish my bidness!”

Realization of the day: I may not be the only one with a phobia but at this time I’m not giving a shit about Stall #2 (no pun intended). I have to pee. A few more seconds of award silence where I attempt to blow my nose (no snot, doesn’t work); fiddle with the toilet paper roll to make a bit of noise, STILL NOTHING. And then a trickle, barely enough to alleviate my full bladder. I’m not upset with myself or with my phobia – I’m upset with the person still being so F-ing quiet in the stall next to me. So now I start feeling uncomfortable and awkward.

How is that possible? I now feel like the intruder in the situation. But why the fake flush in the beginning? That just opened the flood gates of assumption that they were finished with their bathroom time. Realizing that I’m still sitting on the toilet having eeked out only a trickle of my morning coffee contemplating why the person in the stall next to me is also still on the toilet I decide to raise the white flag which in this case was a square of Quilted Northern and let myself bask in defeat. I quickly wrap up my business in the stall, head to the sink & wash my hands, and sulk all the way back into my office. Clink goes the key into the bowl for the next person’s bathroom adventure.

All this talk about bathrooms I realize I have more pet peeves related to bathrooms than I thought. A woman who works for the company down the hall (same office suite, just a separate portion) just waits in her cubicle until she hears me grabbing the bathroom key to decide “oh, you know what? I think I need to go to the bathroom too! I’ll come with you.” NO. NO. NO. NO. I can’t really tell her that although my mind is screaming it. So more often that I’d like, she comes to the bathroom with me.

I’m not a “come on girls, who needs to go the bathroom, let’s go together” type of woman. Bathroom time is my time. So every time she insists on coming with me, I want to hit her upside the head and give her my inner monologue manual. Chapter one: Kristen’s preference for alone time in the bathroom. Chapter two: Kristen’s dislike of obligatory compliments. (Chapter 2 I included in this rant as the same person we are talking about insists on complimenting SOME part of my attire every time we “go to the bathroom together” – but will never compliment or say anything regarding my outfit while we are in the office together crossing paths).

There are times though when I can grab the bathroom key, walk down the hallway & find the bathroom empty. It is heaven. Heaven only about 10% of the time. The other 90% is ruined by someone entering the bathroom seconds after I get inside my big, spacious Stall #2. Can you guess who decided to interrupt my bathroom time? The SAME person who likes to jump on the bathroom train as soon as I grab the key! I kid you not. I think she hears me or sees me as her cubicle is right by the door and decides to give me the hope of having a bathroom to myself for 2 minutes and then WHAM – tricked ya!

When that happens I awkwardly try to use the bathroom quickly & we always end up washing our hands at the same time. If I hear her say “How funny, we must be on the same bathroom schedule” one more time, I’magonnafreakthefuckout.

Basically when it comes down to it, I need my alone time in the bathroom without phones ringing, printers printing and people talking. I need serenity for 1-3 minutes. Me time.


  1. I love it. Can you lock the main bathroom door once you're in there?

  2. I wish!! Life (okay, a few minutes) would be SOOO much better...Hello Privacy!